Elia Ann. Astrologer, Priestess, Yoga Teacher

Awakening the Cosmic Psyche.

Full Moon in Cancer. Don’t just do something, sit there!

The first full moon in 2017 starts on a potent note. The full moon is triggering a cardinal grand cross. This means that at least four planets in cardinal signs are aspecting in tense squares. Squares brings tension and friction. Cardinal signs represent the beginning of a cycle. It’s like we just can’t get the initiation phase started and can’t decide on where to begin. The grand cross is not exact yet so it may still play out in your life for a few months.

The old farmer’s almanac lists this full moon as the wolf moon. This was the time of year when all creatures in north america were cold and still. Food was scarce and all you could do is wait for spring. The wolves howled out in hunger. What are you hungry for? What are you crying out for?

The full moon was exact this morning at 4:33 A.M. M.S.T. The energy will still be there most of today and maybe into tomorrow. Cancer the crab has something to teach us about our wild instincts. Crabs are fierce partners. Some male species will attach themselves to their mate and ‘protect’ them until they lay their eggs. They hold the females captive, burying and hiding them from the world. Attacking anything that comes across their path. Some females species will stay with their eggs while they hatch along the ocean currents. Even up to the point of drowning themselves. Where is that boundary line between primal instincts and higher consciousness?

Animals don’t have this free will but humans do. In Buddhist tradition, this is why the human incarnation is thought to be the highest. We are not slaves to the urges that drive our actions. Or at least that’s the idea. Right now it may be easier to hide, to attack, to howl, or fly south. Yet there is a force inside you that is connected to the whole. Even if it’s dormant for you right now. This connection is deep in your Psykhe. The soul-knowing has strong roots but it doesn’t shout and tell you what to do.

Be still. Listen. See. Feel. Even as the earth is spinning over 1,000 miles an hour. Make a mindful choice to take action rather than react. Or maybe you need to step back from a project or relationship before it catches you off guard and knocks you off your feet. This too shall pass and the spring sun will rise soon. The forecast for the year ahead will have plenty of wildcards so enjoy the calm before the storm. Smooth waters never made a good sailor.

If you are interested in natal readings and a forecast for the upcoming year, I am booking appointments for the Denver metro area and online. Check out my website at http://www.facebook.com/psykherising. The first 13 appointments receive a complimentary 1/2 tarot reading. And if the stars are not aligned for a consultation yet, some feedback on the booking and the google calendar would be appreciated. I’m experimenting a few scheduling options.

Blessed be and Namaste Dear Souls,

Happy Full Moon!

Elia Ann

 

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Now Accepting Appointments for Reports and Readings!

Happy New Year! I have decided to go public with astrology consultations and readings. I will be starting with custom natal reports and general six month forecasts. The price tier is as follows:

$27-electronic copy of custom natal report and 6 month forecasting.

$42-electronic copy of custom natal report and 6 month forecasting with 1/2 hour meeting. Public location in Denver Metro area or online are available.

$54- electronic copy of custom natal report and 6 month forecasting with 1 hour meeting. Public location in Denver Metro area or online are available.

Private message me here or email at eliabrov@gmail.com to book your appointment. The first available week of scheduling is available on google calendar.

The first 13 appointments will receive a complimentary 1/2 hour tarot reading!

Psykhe Rising is also on facebook and twitter.

https://www.facebook.com/psykherising/

https://twitter.com/PsykheRising

Blessed be and Namaste beautiful souls. Please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions.

 

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New Moon in Capricorn: May the Force be with You.

2016 cannot seem to end fast enough. Upheaval, unrest, and discord seem to dominate the consciousness. Great icons and cultural legends end their reigns and leave us uncertain of what archetypes will define the next eras. One of the more recent being Carrie Fisher, best known as Princess Leia in the Star Wars series. This is the one that personally hit me the hardest. I grew up watching Star Wars. Leia was a dynamic character that was everything a little girl could look up to. The actress herself was someone you could still admire with her unconventional advocacy for mental health and feminism. What fearless heroine will now lead us through the stars and beyond?

As Master Yoda says to the brother Skywalker, “Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.” This should sound familiar to those of you on the Yogic path. Non-attachment is a major concept in the Yoga Sutras, a founding text of yoga philosophy. That doesn’t mean that allowing yourself to feel the grief cycle is detrimental. It’s getting stuck in a phase and gripping too tightly that is. Maybe you’re mourning the end of a relationship, a job, a place, or an idea that got you through strenuous times.

Regardless of what you are experiencing right now the New Moon in Capricorn has opened a portal. Whether you’re ready to jump through it or not is up to you. There are a lot of harmonious aspects* that can guide you through the cosmos, break karmic patterns, breach new horizons, turn a new chapter, and awaken to a new light. Capricorn asks you to make it real and tangible. The mountain goat will jump and climb  to the top of the peak with you. Connect to your footing, use your legs, get your head in the game, pay attention to the details, hold your ground, and go. Not even the mountain can stop you. Well, only if you let it.

On the flip side, some paths and obstacles are bigger and more challenging than others. *Saturn, the current ruler of the sky asks us to get real with wounding. That may mean where you are right now and what your goals are might not be what you thought that they were going to be. Capricorn also tells us that that’s okay. In Sri Swami Satchidananda’s translation of the Yoga Sutras, he explains that it’s really our expectations that can trap us in dissatisfaction. “Many of the truths we cling to depend on our point of view.” Master Yoda was truly connected to the force of yoga.  Capricorn can be the wisest mind of the zodiac. Use this new moon portal to be what you really are and let go of the ‘could’s, would’s, and should’s.’

You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be and there is peace in this space. Let go of what you need to. Expand and go where you need to go. The laws of the cosmos are on your side. Any good chemist will tell you that nothing can be created or destroyed. Atoms just transmute and transform. Use this mantra to change into the new year.

May the Force be with you and Namaste.

 

*Times are Mountain Standard Time.

New moon horoscope exact at 11:53 P.M. 12/28/16. Moon in Capricorn conjunct Mercury retrograde in Capricorn and the Sun in Capricorn. New moon sextile Mars in Pisces. Moon trine North Node in Virgo. Saturn in Sagittarius sextile Venus in Aquarius. Saturn Square Chiron in Pisces. Saturn trine Uranus in Aries recently direct. Mercury sextile Mars and Venus.

 

 

 

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Yule Blessings and Intentions

It’s just about sunrise as I write these winter musings. The longest night of the year has passed. The light now returns. Astronomically speaking, the sun and the earth have passed the mid-points on their ellipses that make the nights seem like they’re so long. Even though we are well past those ancient times of living at the mercy of the cold, we still celebrate the light.

I don’t think it’s an accident that so many different traditions and faiths have similar celebrations this time of year. Regardless of the mythologies or the stories, there is a deep soul intuition that needs to know that death is not the end and we will be reborn. It manifests for us in many different ways. How we navigate the many manifestations can seem a little daunting. 2016 was rough and I think we’re all ready to put it behind us.

Sunrise is exact at 7:18 A.M. M.S.T. There are a few aspects with the new sun in Capricorn that stood out to me. Sun sextile Mars newly in Pisces and conjunct the ascendant is Pisces. Capricorn is all about structure, discipline, law, and duty. The alchemy of earth and water make it seem like we have a clear understanding of what needs to be done for the greater good. Capricorn’s ruling planet Saturn trines a retrograde Uranus in Aries and Jupiter in Libra. We can do and succeed at whatever we want and nothing is going to stop us. Or so we project. The sun also squares the moon in Libra and Saturn squares Chiron the wounded healer. It seems as is the collective consciousness is pointing the finger at the rest of the cosmos and telling everybody else what’s wrong and what they need to fix.

My mother always said, when you point a finger at someone else you’ve got three more pointing back at you. Literally and metaphorically, the universe is expanding. We’re polarizing more and more. Drifting away from others and isolating ourselves. Yet we are also on a collision course with our neighbors and we have no idea what’s going to crash and burn. The very thing that sustains us will eventually destroy us. Hiding under the covers, ignoring the problem, and telling the rest of the world to get their act together is not the answer right now.

My invitation to you is to find the light within while you say your prayers and set your new year’s affirmations. Be the change you wish to see in the world. If a star can fuel itself from the energy it creates within its core, so can we. You are made of the dust of the heavens above and below. As within so without. If one of us is suffering we are all suffering. Try not to get too overwhelmed with the big picture. Reach a hand out in kindness in your circle. It will ripple out. May you raise your eyes, and never bow your head. So mote it be.

P.S. I will eventually start making appointments for astrology consultations. For now I would like to keep the energy flowing. If you have the resources available to you, please make a donation to help the people in Aleppo. I picked this cause because it is also my intention to put my money where my mouth is and I will not be silent to the sufferings happening in the world. And however you chose to manifest that for yourself and your world, blessed be and namaste.

https://www.paypal.com/fundraiser/105865137050618816/charity/116876

http://syriareliefanddevelopment.org/

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Full Moon in Gemini

Full moons are all about releasing suspended energy regardless of how it manifests for you. Like a bursting exhalation after holding your breath. This full moon is the last one of 2016 and right before Mercury’s slow down into a retrograde. Now is not the time to take on anything new. Instead, it’s the time to complete any unfinished business. Tie the last bows and make your final polishes to the projects you have been working on since the Autumn Equinox. We’ve almost made it through the dark half of the year. Winter is right around the corner. The light is coming back after the Winter Solstice but now it’s cold and icy. For those of us in the rocky mountains, our heaviest snows are upon us. For some of us, the end of the year is welcomed and impatiently awaited. The universe seems to be pulling itself apart. Great eras are ending and the future is clouded. Why are we at this exact junction and how did we get here in the first place? Karmic patterns and cycles are being confronted right now and it’s pulled a mirror up so you can look at your own reflection. This is the tense relationship of polarity and the eternal dance of opposites.

But the goal is not to diminish or stand down. Not even to merge and transmute into something brand new. Like any relationship, we don’t want to be dysfunctional and codependent. We also don’t want to be so independent that we become isolated and disconnected. The archetype of the twins is  the perfect sign to teach us these lessons. the constellation Gemini is named after the story of Castor And Pollux. They were twin brothers born of Leda and Zeus. In some interpretations they also have twin sisters born of the same mother. One of whom was Helen of Troy. Either way, there is a play on duality. Masculine vs. Feminine. Light vs. Dark. Right vs. Left. Softness vs. strength, internal vs. external, and past vs. future. Where do we exist in this realm of form and matter where things must be separate to take shape and meaning? Not with ‘either or.’ but with ‘both and.’ When one brother died the other begged Zeus to bring him back to life. They are together now eternally in the night sky.

Things are really messy and ugly right now. AND things are manifesting beautifully and perfectly. This full moon I invite you to take some time to yourself to reflect on the parallels and the paradoxes in your life. Even if you only have a few minutes to observe your thoughts and feelings, invite the opposite thoughts in too. Let them sit together and talk it out. Maybe you could try to imagine the opposing thoughts as people or objects that you know. Try not to place any judgement on them or on how they make you feel. You don’t have to do anything about it right now just let them hash it out. You can also write out your thoughts. Try doing it for a few minutes with your opposite hand. You’d be surprised with what the other side of your brain has to say. If pranayama or breath work is in your practice try alternate nostril breathing. This will invite the presence of Gemini into you subtle body aura. If you have a little bit more time to sit and meditate or take a simple shamanic journey, try a visualization that takes you up to the stars to converse with Castor and Pollux. What insights and messages do the twins have for you? If basic metaphysical craft is in your practice, try working with Earth and Fire. These aren’t necessarily the dominant elements of Gemini but they are the elements that are at odds right now in the celestial forecast*. Write down your wishes, prayers, and the thought patterns you would like to release down on a piece of paper. Burning them is a standard cleansing fire ritual. Maybe you can even spread or bury the ashes in spot that is meaningful to you. Of course, please do this safely. Be aware of your surroundings. I.E. fire alarms, pets and children, environmental concerns, public or private spaces.

These are all just suggestions and you are free to take or leave anything that suits your needs. Make the adjustments you need based on your schedule, resources, and know-how. If you have any other ideas, please share. If you participated, let us know what your experience was like. We are all in this together. If the twins teach us nothing else, we will not accomplish anything on our own.

If you liked this, please post and share. My goal is provide a free blog twice a month at the new and full moons. Possibly a more in-depth podcast at the major solar points throughout the year as well.

Blessed be dear souls. Happy New Moon, and Happy Holidays.

-All interpretations are in Mountain Standard Time and the aspects are pulled from Llewellyn’s 2016 Planetary Guide.

*This month’s Full Moon is in 22 degrees of Gemini on Tuesday December 13th 2016. Major aspects of the day are a Quincunx to Mercury in Capricorn at squeak o’clock in the morning (1:02 A.M.) and Pluto in Capricorn at 7:27 A.M. Followed by a trine to Jupiter in Libra at 11:24 A.M. The afternoon hits us with an opposition to Saturn in Sagittarius 12:04 P.M. and a sextile to  retrograde Uranus in Aries at 2:18 P.M. We gear up next for a square to Chiron in Pisces at 2:26 P.M. and an opposition to the Sun in Sagittarius at 5:06 P.M. And as a portion of this full moon will be spent in a void of course, we end the Moon’s transits with two trines to Mars in Aquarius 7:58 P.M. and 10:58 P.M. Pay attention to where the mutable signs and the fire signs are in your chart. Especially at 20-ish degrees.

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I went to a Trump Protest….

I’m sure you already know that protests against the President Elect Donald Trump have now been happening in major cities across the country. When I got wind that one was happening I wanted to go. Not because I expected anything to change but because I felt like it was the right thing to do. I wanted to be an active participant in this historical event. When my future grandchildren call me someday for a homework assignment and they ask me “Grandma, what was that like?” I want to be able to say that I was there.

I want to tell you more about the strangers I saw coming together celebrating their diversity. I saw women and men of all ages, colors, religions, and economic backgrounds holding space for each other to feel everything they needed to share. The messages of love, peace, solidarity, and compassion moved me to tears. And the people who wore their countries flags like shields of armor strengthened my belief that this fight was for something bigger than just the results of this election. It reminded me why this country is the leader of the free world. We have the right to be different and are yet still simultaneously Americans because of our differences.

I wish I could tell you I left this event as a shining ray of peace and light but I didn’t. As we marched around the city and through the streets the tone slowly became more ominous. I didn’t like it when my brothers in arms shouted derogatory insults to the citizens we were defending outside their homes defiantly raising their TRUMP PENCE signs. At first the majority was able to drown those moments out with more positive chanting. We marched on.

Then we got to the highway. A major highway. The major highway that runs across the state and through the city. The police team arrived with their riot gear. There were a handful of people that stood back to access the situation and decide if we were to continue. I imagine we must have been thinking the same questions. “Is this safe? Is this the right thing to do? Who’s in charge? Was this planned? I don’t want to get in trouble. That wasn’t the point of this.” I felt like little Jean Louise Finch. Once I realized that no one was egging on the police and people were trying to calm and focus anyone getting too heated, I decided to jump in. Is this what it looks like up at Standing Rock? Sure it’s disruptive and passionate but as long as no one’s getting hurt….

On one hand I thought that blocking traffic was a powerful symbol of awakening. There is a part of me that just wants to scream, “Wake up! Get out of your bubbles. Get out of your cars, your phones, your cubicles, and your mindless routine and really look at what is happening around you!” I couldn’t believe what we were doing. It was awe inspiring and terrifying. And this is where I started to get scared. Someone really could have gotten hurt as we rushed past train tracks, climbed over highway medians, and used ourselves as human traffic cones. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one but I always tried to stop and make sure everyone was safe. I pulled people out of the street and out of the dirt when they tripped. Even here, if someone started to show violent triggers the battle cry was “slow down, tighten up.” Once everyone was off the highway and safe I looked around and saw that the only people remaining with megaphones and who were trying to re-rally the troops had their faces covered and were shrouded in a cloud of rage, I left. I found out later that the original organizers of the protest left hours ago.

I don’t know if this had been more organized and planned, like if people knew what they were getting into, could this have gone any better. At least as far as I know, no property was damaged, no one got arrested, and no one got hurt. I do need to give this shout out to my city’s police department. Thank you for doing your job. Thank you for protecting our right to assemble and making sure we stayed safe. I’m so grateful that all I felt was a moderate uneasiness and not an immediate threat on my life.

I caught a cab to go home and I told the cab driver what had happened. He was an older African immigrant from some country I had never even heard of because it gained its independence in 1991. He asked me, “Do you think people can change?” I think so. He went on to say, “I think what we really need to do now is pray. Pray that people can and will do the right thing. In my country people would have died for trying to protest. Sometimes not even for a reason. This is a great country with a strong foundation. I can’t believe that people will be wrong forever.” When he dropped me off we both said “God bless you and this country.” I don’t drop the “G” word lightly. I got home, realized how sore I was, gave my kitties and extra squeeze, and took a bath.

I’m so grateful that I could go out and protest without a tangible thought of being killed. I’m grateful that I could walk in city streets in the middle of the night without a blatant fear of my safety. My little 600 Sq. Ft. apartment isn’t much, but I have enough. I’m so glad that I had people who love me and care about me enough to make sure that I got home okay at squeak o’clock in the morning. It’s taken me awhile to mentally and emotionally recover from this experience. My thoughts are a little more organized and my emotions have settled a little. I’m assuming that if you’ve made it this far you’re at least curious about my perspective. Whether that’s as a woman, a millennial, a pagan, a yogi, or some combination of the mix, you’ve chosen read one more piece about this damn election. I hope I can help shed a little more light on your decision on what the heck we do next.

Blessed be and Namaste.

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Yoga as Witchcraft: Be Here Now!

If you haven’t caught on yet, I am a yogini and a witch in training. For my Pagan/Wicca readers out there, I’m in the process of getting my 1st degree. For my Yogi readers out there, I received my 200 hour training from a studio very rooted in the Hindu philosophy and bhakti yoga. I’ve been teaching a regular class once a week at my Pagan church since January. It’s been such an amazing opportunity for me because they let me do whatever I want. I can play with what I like and I don’t have to put a filter on the spirituality and the dharma talks. The themes that I have taken on and the direction the class is going, is proving to be very exciting. I was talking to the high priestess of our center and she’s urged me to write a book. I don’t think anyone else is doing anything like this. (If any of you are, please reach out to me so we can swap ideas!) I want to find a way to use a yoga practice as a way to raise energy and use that as a form of spell work to release any dis-ease in the mind and body so our spirit is free to manifest our desires and our will.

In my class I have developed a series around the chakras. One can jump in at anytime, the only thing I ask is that you bring a mat and your intention. But what do I mean by intention? I’m sure my Pagan and yoga followers have differnt definitions of this word. In a yoga class, it is very common for the teacher to give the students a moment at the beginning to set an intention. A Sankalpa, if you will. This can be a phrase, feeling, or image that you choose to dedicate your practice to. And or it can be something to go back to when the mind and body are struggling. In my class I give my students the same opportunity, I just call it a prayer. As of right now, my class is called, pagan prayer yoga. I also give a short affirmation or prayer, so if nothing else is coming to mind, they can use the intention I have set. It’s usually themed around the chakra of that session.

I have completed one whole series and am about to start again at the root, muladhara chakra. I take our journey up the main energy line, the sushumna nadi, all the way through the crown and the then down to ground in the earth, back at the base. I want to go more in depth with my discoveries in future blogs, but the biggest one I have found is that the yoga posutres, the asana, and the breath work, the pranayama, are tremendous tools in raising and releasing  energy. For example, one of my students has been struggling with balancing work, going back to school, and fronting a political cause. When we arrived back to home base at the root chakra, she struggled with hamstring stretches and standing poses. I had mentioned a few times that those feelings of being stuck, trapped, or neglected can really get stuck in the legs. After class she came up to me and said, ‘you’re totally right. I’ve been working from home a lot lately and I didn’t realize how frustrated I was untill now.’ This student is a very strong witch in her own coven.

To me, these ‘ah-ha!’ momments are a form of magic all their own. When people ask me what I believe magic is, I tell them it’s finding the sacred in the mundane. No one tells a flower how to grow. No one teaches a child how to love so unconditionally. No one can really tell you how to let go of your heartaches and find your inpirations. You just do it. I want to bring this element in when I start the series again. Not all of my Pagan students are Wiccan, but I want to give everybody a chance to remember what it is they are trying to manifest in the mundane world. Your yoga mat is the metaphor for your internal and external world. When you release your energy on your mat  it will carry with you.

My only struggle has been trying to find a way to make this ‘magic’ work in a yoga setting. For the most part, my two passions don’t contradict each other much, but when they do, it’s a lot of work trying to get two different ideas to like each other. In general, Eastern philosohy is devoted to higher enligtment in the present moment. Not that Paganism isn’t, but I think its’s fair to say that lot of people are drwan to the craft because it gives us a different role to play in cosmic dance of the universe. I belive that spell work and magic is nothing more than using the tools available to us to gain a desired result. Who’s to say that giving yourself a pep-talk in the bathroom before that big interview isn’t casting a spell on yourself? Why can’t I go to my yoga class and tell myself, ‘I’m going to rock that interview next week.’ as my my sankalpa?

I think it can. Let’s just tweek it a little bit so we can be still on our mat in the moment. Surely, if I’m a practicing witch already, I probably have an herb blend that I’m keeping in my pocket for positve energy, I may already be lighting a green candle at a certain time of the day or week to send the universe good vibes, ask the God and Goddess foe mental clarity and grace. But when  go to my yoga mat, I don’t want to think about the past and I don’t want to worry about the future. So, I will keep my affirmation, my intention, my sankalpa in the present tense. I am graceful and I am mentally clear. It has to be in the present tense. Something like, ‘I’m going to be okay,’ or ‘I will be strong,’ still implies you’re not there yet. I can’t take credit for this concept. My teacher’s teacher, Mr. Saul David Raye held a workshop in my home state about manifesting the abundance of yoga off the mat. But the idea of keeping your intentions in the present momment stuck with me. There’s your magic spell.

When we call the elements after casting circle, we ask the spirits and the gaurdians to be here with us now. Well my friends, we have to show up too. Nothng in the unierse is free, so we also have to participate in the give and exchange of energy. Be here now, be here now, be here now. This is my will, so mote it be.

Blessed be friends, Jai Ma, and Namaste!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When we call the elements afer csting cirlce, we ask them to

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My Last Relationship

June 2nd, 2014 marked my ‘Independence Day.’ a year previous from this date I packed up my cats and left an abusive relationship. I was so desperate to get out I didn’t even have a bed to sleep on in my new apartment. This was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But looking back on it, making the decision to leave was so much harder than actually doing it. When I made my anniversary announcement public on Facebook, I was asked to write up my story so an acquaintance who works with people in similar situations could read my story. My story could have been way worse. I am very grateful for that. But just because the line was blurred does not mean that what happened to me was acceptable. It it my hope that the more people like me tell their story, it will raise public awareness so this doesn’t happen to anyone and that the circumstances no matter how grey, are not okay.

I suppose that means we have to go back to the beginning. But the beginning is hard to explain. How do people get into these messes? Shouldn’t you have known better? What the hell were you thinking? These questions still run through my mind almost everyday. A year later, I’m still reminding myself that I didn’t deserve this. And yes, there we plenty of red flags that I probably should have recognized and paid more attention to. But that also implies that I knew what to and not to look for. So many relationships these days are treated like drugs. You fall fast and furious for the rush and the high. When the crash comes you will sacrifice whatever it takes to get the high back. Why aren’t there rehab centers for  intimacy abuse? Where are the detox programs for commitment/attachment issues and unhealthy boundaries? So many of us fall into these traps at varying degrees and it is unfortunate that so many of us still don’t realize we’re in the trap. I was no exception.

After I graduated college my sister put a good word in for me at a local restaurant for a part-time job. I ended up befriending one of the servers and I got very close to him very quickly. He was a somber and distracted individual. He told me all about his ex-girlfriend cheating on him while he was away in the military and his grandfather who raised him passing away recently. He even opened up about what happened in Iraq. This really should have been my first red flag. Why on earth would anyone in their right mind want a partner that is so depleted? But I didn’t have the self confidence to think that I deserved someone healthy and strong. And in a sick way, taking care of this broken man seemed romantic to me at the time. I ended up getting a contract job out of state, and I was in such a whirlwind with this man that I left my current boyfriend so I could consummate this new relationship before I left. He stayed the night with me and before we went to sleep he told me that he loved me. This should have been another red flag. The connection seemed so deep, it was exciting, it was an adrenaline rush. I got high off of what this sad man called ‘love.’

The drug was exciting for a few months. We had decided to start a relationship long distance. He came out to see me one weekend and every moment with him was a rush. He was going to come see me again a few months later. The night before he was supposed to fly out, I received a text message saying that he was sorry and that it wasn’t my fault. The rest of my contract job felt like a prison. Because that’s where the man who held my self-worth and my identity had gone. Numerous phone calls with his grandmother and probation officer, whom I didn’t know about, revealed that he was a sever alcoholic and that he had broken probation multiple times, including the previous time he came to visit me out of state. So he spent the rest of the year in a cell.

I wish I could say the rest of the relationship got better. He swore he was going to get through the stricter probation that he had to start when he was released. He loved me, he wanted a life with me, he wanted to marry me. He couldn’t fight these demons without me. I probably should have left this man when I had a few states between us. But the unhealthy boundaries and co-dependency had it’s grip on me. When I came back to my home state after my contract had ended, I moved in with this man and decided to give him another chance. My stepmother’s father had been an alcoholic, her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. Even those these past relationships in my family’s history didn’t work out, I though maybe mine would be different. He loved me.

Looking back on the relationship as a whole, I really don’t have any complaints through the first year. He was sober, getting his life together, he supported me and we were happy. But as soon as he had completed his probation he started drinking again. I didn’t realize it at the time until it slapped me in the face. He went to jail again and the hospital three times the last year I was with him. He never actually hit me, and he never actually screamed at me. I really wish he had though. Just so my circumstances could have been a little more black and white. While he was drinking he wouldn’t leave me alone. He would build me up emotionally and then tear me down. He would never let me sleep, berated me when I tried to make time for myself or my family and friends. It got to a point where I could barely go to work because he couldn’t function without me. It’s like there was a vortex, a black hole always over his head and he sucked me dry every moment he was around me. And he had isolated me so I couldn’t get help. I remember there were days when I stayed in bed all day sobbing when I though he was at ‘work.’ I had nothing left for myself.

Even still,  there were two things that he did to me that were the most humiliating. There was one night where we were half dressed on the couch watching T.V. we had started to get intimate but the black hole was over him and I didn’t want to have sex. I told him no and to stop. Three times. When I tried to push him him off of me, he grabbed my shoulders, forced me down and himself on me. I was so scared and shocked I didn’t even fight back. I remember staring up at the ceiling thinking, ‘what the hell is happening to my body?!’ He didn’t really talk to me for days after that night. You can read a previous blog of mine that talks about this moment and my recovery from it for me in more depth here https://eliaann.wordpress.com/2014/03/26/the-dark-goddess-kali-ma/

And just to put the icing on the cake, the second time he went to the hospital for alcohol poisoning his mother pulled me aside and asked what was going on. I told her that he was dealing with some of his concussion injuries from Iraq and that he asked me not to tell her because he didn’t want to worry her. She looked at me and said, ‘what are you talking about, he never went to Iraq.’ At this point I had been dating this man for over two years and I discovered in an earth shattering moment that everything he had told me about who he was, was a complete lie. Well, he was in the military. He was just discharged before this unit when overseas. His ‘bullet wound’ on his stomach was from a surgery. And the craziest thing is, I couldn’t leave quite just yet. Financially I really couldn’t. I had saved up all my money for a yoga teacher training program. So I stuck it out for a few more months. He promised and cried and swore that he would stop drinking and begged me not to leave him.

About a month after I graduated my teacher program, I finally left. and the moment that did it for me was when I was cleaning the apartment one afternoon. I found empty rum bottles on top of the kitchen cabinets, under the bed, in the closet, behind the washing machine, and in my cat tree. I had a moment staring at the Sailor Jerry Hula Rum Girl and I realized that this was going to be my life if I stayed in this basement apartment any longer. He was always going to pick the hula girl until he learned to slay his demons himself. It doesn’t have anything to do with me. Even though I was wishing the hula girl was real so I could rip her hair out for stealing my man.

So I did a whole 180. I got a new job, new apartment, and was newly single. It was a lot of change all at once. But I did it. And although I’m still working on some of my psychological bad habits, and I’m frustrated about being single, I am stepping into my power more and more everyday. I need to remember how far I’ve come. I’m supporting myself and my apartment is full of cat hair from little furry creatures that adore me, I have an amazing job with great co-workers and benefits, my family is full of unconditional love and support, I have a fantastic group of friends who laugh at me and cherish me all the same. And the communities I’ve become apart of have saved and healed my soul. So for now I’m taking care of me and the man who loves me for me, in all my power and strength will come.

Blessed be and Namaste Friends 🙂

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Rants of a 20s-Something Single Girl…

If you’ve read my past posts (The Dark Goddess: Kali Ma) you know that I’ve been through some shit. Shit that could have been way worse, but it’s not something I would wish on anybody. 10 months ago I escaped an abusive relationship with a severe alcoholic. He was controlling, a liar, manipulative, and the thing I have struggled with the most is coming to peace with the experience of him rapping me too. I was in a lot of emotional turmoil and I explored freely, ‘the slut phase,’ as some of my female peers have come to call it. Recently, however, I feel like I’ve made some big breakthroughs in my spiritual journey. I’m not ashamed of my battle scars anymore, they’re beautiful and I am stronger because of it. I got a really nice raise at my job. I’m finally in a place where I can start saving more and pay off my debt a little more aggressively, I can afford to do as much yoga as I please, and if I budget correctly I can splurge on nice treats. I’m in a good living situation and I could not be more blessed to have the friends and family that I do.

So I finally am starting to feel like I could do this relationship thing again. I’m done sleeping around, I kind of miss having someone that still thinks I’m hot when my make-up is running down my face and I haven’t shaved my legs. Everything else in my life is so great, why can’t I have just this one more great thing? I’m not exactly where I thought I’d be in my life, but I’m proud of where I’ve come from and I want to keep growing and building my life. Finding an intimate connection seems to be the next step for me to take.

The Bible says, ‘ask and you shall receive.’ I think the Rolling Stones read the fine print though: ‘you can’t always get what you want. But sometimes you can get what you need.’ I’ve been trying to get this ‘dating’ thing started only to have road-blocks and obstacles put in front of me. I’ve had some pretty intense/deep meditations the last few days in synchronicity with these events happening and the insights I got wasn’t something I wanted to hear. Falling in love right now is not going to serve my sacred path.

Why, Goddess why?! First I consulted the stars. I read everything about the upcoming eclipses and the Cardinal Grand Cross (I’m sure everybody is going to be taking about this later so stay on your toes). I read my monthly horoscope for my sun sign and my ascendant. I’m pretty familiar with the planets and the zodiacs but I’m still memorizing the aspects and the houses. So forgive me, my details may be a little fuzzy. But basically, this coming month, my focus is on the outside world. Having my ducks in a row and being recognized for that is important to me right now. Makes sense. I really would love to rub in people’s faces that yes, I have an awesome job with outside interests, great friends and family, and I have a pretty rockin’ man in my life too. BOOM! But Venus in Pisces is hanging out in my 12th house, the realm of secrets and hidden influences. And with Mars in sometimes too cooperative and passive-aggressive Libra also moving retrograde, I’m having a hard time getting things started. The advice was to sit chilly this month. Things will start to unfold during the Grand Cross, the Eclipse, and the New Moon coming at the end of the month…

I don’t wanna…

So then I went to my tarot cards. I did a reading for myself and I had someone do a reading for me too. They too confirmed the insights from my meditations and from the celestial bodies. What I ‘want’ is ego driven. If I were to get into a relationship right now, I would lose my light and sight of myself and my purpose. I’m moving strongly down a spiritual path right now. I’m getting my 1st degree priestess training and I recently had my first evaluation. My mentor said that I have the potential to become a very powerful priestess. But I have to slow down and cover the bases or my power won’t be as effective…

I don’t wanna…

I have such big ideas in my head and I am so anxious to dive in. I eventually want to start incorporating witchcraft and spell work into my yoga practice. Then it will be called…Yogacraft! But I do understand what my mentor is saying. I have been called to do the work of a dark Goddess and she will wait for me to come into my power. One day at a time.

So what does that mean for my love life, or lack thereof? I don’t know. I’m still too restless to ‘sit chilly.’ Everyone who has been trough similar situations has told me that it wasn’t until they gave up that their great love entered their life. I don’t know if I’m quite there yet but I do recognize that I need to do something different. I have an idea. Someone recently told me that if you want to try and manifest something from the universe, you have to participate in an equal give and take. Nothing is really ‘free.’ if you want something you still have to give something of equal value. Physics tells us that. Okay, true enough. How can I expect someone to make sacrifices for me and spoil me when I haven’t been willing to do that for myself? This same person also suggested that you make a new habit/affirmation and make a point to implement it for 40 days. There are various examples of 40 days being a significant time frame. One being that Jesus was resurrected in 40 days.

So with the start of the New Moon in Taurus, the task I am going to take on for 40 days is being in a relationship with myself. I’m really going to try and treat myself like my own girlfriend. Say things to myself like, ‘hello beautiful, you look so sexy this morning.’ Go get myself lunch and chocolates. I’ll even buy myself flowers and tell myself, ‘it’s just because I love you.’ I’ll treat myself to nice gifts (budget allowed of course) and take myself on dates to the museums and movies. Would anyone like to participate in this challenge with me? Please set your own intention and do whats right for you. Maybe we can keep each other posted and share how are progress is going. This is a powerful astrological month so let’s hit the ground running!

Blessed be friends, and Namaste. 🙂

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Book Review Take One: The Spiral Dance, a Rebirth of the Ancient Religion of the Great Goddess

I have such book ADD. Right now I am reading the 20th anniversary edition of The Spiral Dance: a Rebirth of the Ancient Religion of the Great Goddess. On top of that I am bouncing between a few chakra reference books for my yoga class, I just picked up Positive Magic, Occult Self-Help by Marion Weinstein, and I’m probably going to put an amazon order in this week for a beginner’s book for Kali devotees. AAAAGGGHH!!!! I’ll admit that I’ve been feeling really restless since Ostara/the Spring Equinox.but I’m always restless, what else is new? Focus, focus, like a locus…trying to anyway. Breathe.

Let me start by saying that I love, love, love this book. I fell in love with it right after the introduction. This woman, Starhawk, has a tremendous voice and I can’t believe she started writing this when she was in her early twenties. I’ll admit that I’m a slow reader anyway, but I’ve been trying to take my time with this because I want to absorb all of her pearls of wisdom. My yoga teacher always said, don’t worry about taking notes. just take everything in on a cellular level, the information will stay with you better. I’m only a few chapters in and I don’t want to miss a beat. I’m really going back and reading all of her notes and comments from the 10th anniversary publication, and the 20th anniversary publication.

A few things have stuck out to me so far. I love the way she emphasizes that this rebirth of Goddess worship is not revealed. The pagan faith is poetry, not theology. It should grow and change and it should touch everyone in a deep and meaningful way whatever that means to you, the reader. People in the same ritual, in the same moment in time, describe different sensations and use different words. But they have the same experience and they are all united. There is no right answer on this path. The ‘code of ethics’ we answer to as witches is our own sense of honor and our own respect for life. ‘All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals,’ reads the charge of the Goddess and we are free to do as we please as long as we interfere with no one’s free will and we harm none.

But she does have her opinions about what we could be doing. She mentions fairly bluntly that since this is worship of the Earth, and the Goddess is the Earth, we should be serving her and speaking up for her. We should be active in Eco-politics and human rights. We need to be the voices of the waters, soil, trees, plants, animals, and humans that cannot speak for themselves. We are all connected to the Goddess and if we have no love or honor for them, how are we really worshiping the Goddess? Magic doesn’t just happen in ritual, it happens when amazing people do amazing things. The sacred is all around us and when we tap into that energy in the ‘mundane world,’ to me, that is magic.

Speaking of the ‘mundane’ world, she mentions a few times that Eastern religions don’t believe this world is sacred. I’m glad that she has adjusted her verbiage and that her opinion has changed over the years. I’m not an expert in Eastern faiths, but I am pretty familiar with Hindu theology and I really do identify with it. I must admit that the definitions of the world on this physical plane do seem to conflict a little. I can’t say I blame her for her strong wording in the first edition of the book. A lot of Eastern faiths say that this world is an illusion, Maya. Purusa is the highest self and Pakriti is ‘the nature.’ it is the gross material, the concrete forms we see, the mind chatter (Citta), and the ego. In the very early years of humanity, the yogic path was considered ‘Dual.’ Basically the divine was something separate and really far away. I am not worthy, I will never attain this enlightenment but maybe if I meditate all I day I can scratch the surface of the divine. This isn’t really the philosophy in the yoga that has taken over the Western world. Now, it is considered ‘non-dual.’ The divine is everywhere and we are meant to experience the sacred on this plane, though our body and all of our senses to burn through the karmas of this lifetime. In fact, my yoga teacher is convinced that Patanjali, the one accredited with the founding text of yoga, was really tantric and not ‘dual.’ This may sound ludicrous if your familiar with the text, but think about it. The things that don’t serve us are the unhealthy attachments to material things. Not the experience of pleasure. It is our misconceptions of solid objects, events, and people that get us into trouble. My mother always used to tell me, if you assume it makes an ass out of you. The mind chatter creates the darkness in the back of our minds, and it is our ego that acts out an all the above. The world is sacred and were are here to experience it and learn from it. Sometimes we just get in our own way.

But that’s the beauty of this lifetime. As long as we are on this planet we will keep dancing the dance of polarities and opposites. yin and yang, male and female, hot and cold, love and fear, life and death, light and dark. It will always keep spiraling until the dance isn’t about you and I, it’s just about the ‘and.’ I have a feeling that this concept will be the overall tone of the book and it sounds like she had no idea how deep this idea would go when she wrote the book. She mentions in all of her foot notes that today, she really doesn’t believe anything is separate anymore. We are all one and we are all connected. This dance of destruction and creation is the dance of the Goddess and it is our dance floor too. This is the path of the ‘witches’ and I love it. I’m home.

Jai Ma, Blessed be, and Namaste dear friends. 😀

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